HAMBURG

Days 36-40

A&O and Apnoea Man

We woke to the sound of breaking glass and our hearts jumped, The Van’s safety being of paramount importance, of course. Luckily it was just people making use of the bottle bank we were sharing the car park with. So we disposed of our own empties, which we’d been carrying for at least two weeks and started looking for the nearest conveniences. They were (somewhat predictably) in a swimming pool. To tell the truth this swimming pool was bizarre. Firstly it was run by robots, there were turn styles and computer screens everywhere. It was a horrible vision of a future where leisure facilities are cold, sterile and no longer dictated over by enthusiastic people in shorts. Secondly the toilets in this place were specifically designed to thwart any attempt at taking intravenous illegal drugs, the usual UV lights and such. (You might not be able to see your veins but it does make you want to pop a pill and D.I.S.C.O). Any way all those kids cuing up outside with over filled armbands and spoons hidden in their Speedos, were sure to be disappointed.

Next stop Hamburg and the A&O Budget Hostel and Hotel, which was home for a couple of nights. This place was as commercial as it sounds and apparently a Mecca for unruly German school parties. It was however cheap, which as a rule Hamburg is not. It was the kind of building that could rinse you of your soul, or at least that’s the impression the staff gave off, but we had no intention of spending a lot of time there. It was a bed, shower, electricity and that is all we needed. Just a quick note on those staff by the by; I’ve seen more smiling on Victorian family photographs and their mantra seemed to be ‘if I’m completely vague I can’t be completely wrong’. So thank you to them all for their help.

Due to their spectacularly vague advice our first night in Hamburg was punctuated by several lengthy walks, a significant amount of time feeling lost and then eventual success when we found an area with many places to eat and drink. At this stage in our travels, 36 days on from when we left home, certain cravings had set in. In particular was a desire for some Indian cuisine and by chance we stumbled on an eatery of that nature. It was the busiest place in a mile radius, it was reasonably priced and that was good enough for us. After a minor intellectual battle with German menu, a waiter came to our rescue with an English translation. It is unknown to us whether they let us struggle for a short while and enjoyed our drama, with that perverse sense of schadenfreude the Germans are famous for. (This is a joke, they are lovely people really). On the other hand it could have been that we asked for ‘ein tisch fur zwei’ with such proficiency and confidence that they assumed we were fluent (also a joke). Either way, the food was good and our craving was satiated for the time being.

That night our return to the hostel was greeted with a fanfare of sorts; it was in fact some of the most amazing snoring I have ever heard. It was musical in a discordant way, like it should have been on the soundtrack to a Hitchcock film. It was how I imagine the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come to sound when he has a bad cough. The producer of this noise was a man, we called him Apnoea Man. He was in his forties, always drunk and always asleep.

The following day was our first proper day in Hamburg and although sleep deprived we were committed to the task of orientating ourselves. The city centre is very pleasing on the eye and the people who populate it have a relaxed way of using the space. However when you talk to people who live there, no one really knows what there is for a tourist to see but they are all certain where you should go and shop. I guess it is a little like Manchester in that respect. I think it is fair to say that Hamburg has a disproportionately large number of nice, expensive shops, matched only by the large number of fashionable, beautiful, wealthy people. So we didn’t quite fit in but hey that’s never bothered us before.

As we had dined out the night before a budget dinner was on the cards. As luxurious as the A&O was it did not have a guest kitchen and did not look kindly upon people eating their own food in its restaurant. So using the best of our ingenuity we took our ingredients and our mess tins into (the very clean) disabled toilet and came out with a quality salad. It was a meal prepared and eaten in clandestine fashion and it was all the tastier because of it. We returned to the scene of the crime to wash out our tins and felt pretty satisfied with our work…

That night Apnoea Man fell asleep on a hard wooden chair in front of the T.V in our room. Toj turned it off and he roared with all the fury of a truly horrible Christmas. Then half an hour later he stood up and left the room. That was the last we saw of Apnoea Man. Despite keeping us awake I sincerely hope that man is in a better place now than he was then. I at least hope he has got out of the A&O hostel, it could drive anyone to drink.

Meeting The Infadels, Watching The Infadels and Drinking with The Infadels!

Our third day in Hamburg began with a disappointment. We had decided, as it was the official European breast health day that we would don our campaign wears and head to the Tourist Information in search of any information we could get. This was the beginning of what is commonly called a wild goose chase. The woman at tourist information kindly searched for any events, locally based charities or anyone who might have some information. Unfortunately she could not find anything and recommended we tried asking at the pharmacy. This we did and another kind person searched all their resources and came back with nothing. They then suggested a charity shop that was actually run by a Charity for Aids sufferers but might know something about other charities. This shop was closed. At the end of this experience we were pretty deflated but we felt, at least like we’d learned something. In Germany it is not a condition that is given a lot of attention in the public sphere…

In the afternoon we were changing hostels and moving to the other side of town. St Pauli is notorious for being Hamburg’s party district and also Europe’s biggest red light district. It was a far cry from the posh shops and monuments we’d seen up to now. The Wira hostel was our home for the next few nights and when we arrived we struggled to understand this unusual place. It is located at the top end of the district, in the basement of an office building. When we checked in we were the only people aside from the owner in the whole place and this owner was suspiciously laid back in his demeanour and even more suspiciously particular about the rules. So there we were in a ten bed dorm, in a hostel that slept about fifty, all by ourselves, with a guy telling us rule after rule, in a very calm way. This is where the narrative splits in two because Anthony went to do laundry and Phil stayed by himself and showered…

After a shower and about an hour and a half of wondering whether they’d be sleeping in this hostel alone two Australians wandered through the door and Phil eventually had someone to talk to. One was called Sean, the other Owen and they were the beginnings of what turned out be an awesome gang of people to hang around with. Not too long after Toj reappeared looking rather distressed and in need of a brew…

After Toj had recovered from the stress of standing in the laundrette in his underwear whilst his jeans were being washed, we readied ourselves. Then along with Sean we went to see what this end of Hamburg had on offer. What we discovered when we stepped out of the Hostel door was rain, proper heavy rain, like we get back at home. So our night was very much dictated by not getting too wet. We jumped quickly from bar to bar having little success in finding something we liked and eventually Sean (suffering somewhat from post-Berlin fatigue, a common travellers condition and one we now have a lot of sympathy with) decided to call it a night. Phil and Toj still felt like Hamburg owed them something, so they decided to try one more, particularly noisy bar. Stepping through the door they found something that looked like a run down Spanish cantina, with a group of what we assumed were crazy people dancing in it. These were of course The Infadels (a band from East London for those of you who don’t know) and we got talking because we thought each other were German. A confusion over toilets and lighters, which is too complicated to explain, ended up with us dancing the night away with them. It also led to them generously offering to put us on the guest list for their gig in St Pauli the following night. So in the end it turned out to be a good night.

Fast forward to Friday night and we were stood at the door of a bar called Molotov saying, for the first time in our lives, we are on the guest list. Our hands were stamped and we were shown in, all for free. Once again thank you The Infadels, because we had an amazing time dancing like crazy people ourselves. This is of course the other important thing to say about our time with this gang of Londoners. They were really supportive about what we were doing, they thought Genesis was an amazing cause (which it is) and they did us a video, which you can have a peek at yourselves on YouTube. So all round it was a brilliant experience. We even got the chance to have another drink with them after the gig in and Toj turned into a part time roadie and carried some stuff to the tour bus. Phil stayed by the bar. So once more we partied in St Pauli, staying up far too late and perhaps having one too many drinks.

In the morning we both woke with the Uber hangover, the feeling was shared but certainly not halved. If anything it was amplified by having to look, smell, speak to and generally be near, each other. That Saturday morning we also shared a solemn pact, that day we would not drink, we would not go out, we would instead hide from the world.

The Gunner Returns

Lucky for us we were not the only ones who had decided to confine ourselves to the hostel that day. We were kept in good company by Sean and Owen, along with Luke from Chicago who had joined the dorm on Friday and who was another real gent. Together we wallowed the day away, planning our journeys onward and making small talk. At about six in the evening the dorm had gone quiet, Phil was their on my own for the first time that day and all of a sudden from a shadowy figure in the door a familiar voice said,
‘Phil is that you?’Well you’ll never guess who it was… The Gunner had returned. It was like a strange dream, there was friendly banter as if we were old friends. Phil blinked and he was putting an even friendlier beer in my hand. Even though the very sight of it brought tears to my eyes I was compelled to drink. Toj entered saw my face, saw the beer, saw The Gunner and burst out laughing. We were reunited for one last night in Germany and it was a good one, so once more a heart felt thanks go out to that man, who turned an evening of misery into night of fun… into a morning after of complete misery, but that’s as much our fault as it is his.

Travelled = 1,408 Miles